I was away from acting for about 12 years. Now that Lyme has rotted my brain, I don't have access to my photogenic memory that allowed me to act professionally. So, it takes me a little longer to remember what I'm supposed to say. I'm also older so the parts I used to get, I'm not privy to. And just like in Hollywood, a man of 50 can be paired with a chick of 25, but not a woman his own age, because we look old, right? It's so depressing.
Being away some 12 or so years things have changed. But I'm catching on rather quickly. I'm primarily a stage actress and I finally got onstage! I work backstage too; makeup, costumes, ushering, anything to help out and be a part of group and a community. It's not the easiest thing to do when you're in your 40's and just moved to the Southern Maryland area, making friends, I mean. I'm a city girl. It's hard to really put myself out there, but if I don't do it, I'll be sitting at home unhappy. Someone said a long time ago-"Ninety percent of life is how we react to the ten percent of life that happens to us."
As for my Lyme, it's getting better. I had my catheter in until I went in the hospital for what they called a "little heart attack" whatever that means, you can figure that out for yourself. Then I had a bleed out in Florida from too much blood thinners and a lab that forgot to call my cell phone. They also called my Dr's office, but it was 10pm and my Dr. 's doesn't work those hours, maybe yours does? I now have the catheter out which tested positive for MRSA. I'm much healtier now that I'm in remission, but I have to be on meds, and also go through some treatment to help me lose weight and get me back to my resting metabolic setpoint I ahd before I got sick. The loss of my adrenals and thyroid porked me out to 246! I weighed 128-138 most of my life! I now weigh 219, but the rest of the will not come off, and when I exercise it puts stress on my already fragile joints, so this is what they have to do. wait until I write about that.
I also had no libido for quite awhile and that was a bit stressful to say the least in a new marriage. So now, I 'm starting to get better and it was awakened like Sleeping Beauty beng kissed when she was alsleep, only not. I got my part in a show and my character has to kiss someone onstage. Not a little kiss, but a big huge kiss. This woke me up-literally. I felt the chemistry. Mind you, we don't have chemistry with everyone. And when we do have chemistry with someone it doesn't always mean we act on it. It some times means that we can recognize we still have "it." I feel attractive and alive again, something I haven't felt in along time and I'm grateful to know it's still there.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
My Mom's Wise Words.
My mother, Delphine-taught me: When you have more than others, give more.
Always send a card, be a leader when you can, be nice, but honest, be good at many different things and teach others how to do them too, hugs are important, see as much as you can of the world now, rest your brain for 20 minutes per day, your country is important, help change the world, and God is real and so are you. Thanks, Mom, Love, Your Daughter, Leni
Always send a card, be a leader when you can, be nice, but honest, be good at many different things and teach others how to do them too, hugs are important, see as much as you can of the world now, rest your brain for 20 minutes per day, your country is important, help change the world, and God is real and so are you. Thanks, Mom, Love, Your Daughter, Leni
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
United Death Care
Almost two years after seeing many doctors and being labeled a hypochondriac by many, I was finally diagnosed with Chronic Lyme Disease. Right now the "chronic" piece of this disease is being treated the way Fibromyalgia was and is by many doctors, another auto immune disease that is only treated IF the Dr. believes in it. Many people will attest, I went from being an athletic, energetic woman who did 18 things at once; to an overweight, Alzheimer-ish, moody person who starting missing work, staying in bed most days too tired to even take a shower, as I felt as though I had a low grade flu everyday. Chronic Lyme disease is when the bacteria stays in your blood stream and starts to latch onto your cell walls, I basically also had a yeast infection through my whole body that wouldn't go away. Gross.
I was finally diagnosed after I was married and moved to Maryland as most of you know. I found out I had brain damage, heart damage, thyroid damage and adrenal damage from Lyme disease, something the doctors in Michigan refused to test me for, for many years. I started on a regimen of many medications, one of them being Doxycycline, a very strong antibiotic, which I had to take twice per day. It makes me really sick to the point where I vomit daily, sleep a lot and things I won;t go into here. This is addition the numerous other 17 medications, herbs and supplements I have to take to control all the damage and stave off the bacteria. My doctor who is one of the premier docs on the east coast for Lyme, told me I really needed infusions of antibiotics to get well. So BCBS told me that I had to fail to succeed on doxy in order to do so, so I did, and then on 11/9/10 I had surgery to have a port placed in my chest to have at home infusions four days a week, twice a day. The other three days, I do stuff like try to work. :)
I started to feel better than I had in many years and very happy that I had the vitality and energy to do things I had not been able to do for a long , long time. the last three months have been wonderful and my husband has been my rock. My pup Betsy recently had to have surgery on her knee and her brother Cutter came to live with us after his owner started dying of cancer. It's been a lot of work as Betsy has to remain confined to her cage and she can only be out for pees and food, and she hates it. It's hard to watch her cry because it itches. We have to carry her around like a baby, but it's worth it. I've attached a pic of her and Cutter. My husband and I are grateful to those who helped with Betsy's surgery, our breeder has been good to us also and helped us immensely.
Jan. 1 my husband's job switched to United health care and they do not pay for Chronic Lyme disease treatment. According to them, I should be cured. I have to go back on doxy which makes me really sick and doesn't work.They cut off my supplies and may stop paying for my meds. I don't even like to say this, but it's pretty serious. I want to live. We are seeing my Dr. again in the coming week who is just livid with UHC, but he has tried many times to get them to change their mind but they won't. We are going to sell our property, get rid of luxuries and borrow from our 401 k if we have to. he may look for another position with different insurance. Maybe in Florida. We might do a fund raiser.The cost is $280 per week for infusion supplies and $95 per week for the nurse to come out and change my dressings. We have to find out how long I need infusions; it may be only 11 more months.
So just say some prayers for us and send us positive energy. Let us know if you hear of any funding or anything, or know of lawyer who can scrap with UHC.
I was finally diagnosed after I was married and moved to Maryland as most of you know. I found out I had brain damage, heart damage, thyroid damage and adrenal damage from Lyme disease, something the doctors in Michigan refused to test me for, for many years. I started on a regimen of many medications, one of them being Doxycycline, a very strong antibiotic, which I had to take twice per day. It makes me really sick to the point where I vomit daily, sleep a lot and things I won;t go into here. This is addition the numerous other 17 medications, herbs and supplements I have to take to control all the damage and stave off the bacteria. My doctor who is one of the premier docs on the east coast for Lyme, told me I really needed infusions of antibiotics to get well. So BCBS told me that I had to fail to succeed on doxy in order to do so, so I did, and then on 11/9/10 I had surgery to have a port placed in my chest to have at home infusions four days a week, twice a day. The other three days, I do stuff like try to work. :)
I started to feel better than I had in many years and very happy that I had the vitality and energy to do things I had not been able to do for a long , long time. the last three months have been wonderful and my husband has been my rock. My pup Betsy recently had to have surgery on her knee and her brother Cutter came to live with us after his owner started dying of cancer. It's been a lot of work as Betsy has to remain confined to her cage and she can only be out for pees and food, and she hates it. It's hard to watch her cry because it itches. We have to carry her around like a baby, but it's worth it. I've attached a pic of her and Cutter. My husband and I are grateful to those who helped with Betsy's surgery, our breeder has been good to us also and helped us immensely.
Jan. 1 my husband's job switched to United health care and they do not pay for Chronic Lyme disease treatment. According to them, I should be cured. I have to go back on doxy which makes me really sick and doesn't work.They cut off my supplies and may stop paying for my meds. I don't even like to say this, but it's pretty serious. I want to live. We are seeing my Dr. again in the coming week who is just livid with UHC, but he has tried many times to get them to change their mind but they won't. We are going to sell our property, get rid of luxuries and borrow from our 401 k if we have to. he may look for another position with different insurance. Maybe in Florida. We might do a fund raiser.The cost is $280 per week for infusion supplies and $95 per week for the nurse to come out and change my dressings. We have to find out how long I need infusions; it may be only 11 more months.
So just say some prayers for us and send us positive energy. Let us know if you hear of any funding or anything, or know of lawyer who can scrap with UHC.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
My Student Loan Horror Story
Today I am 47 years old. I was 22 when my father died suddenly in 1985. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when the school told me I had to take out student loans to finish my BA at a college in Michigan. Let me preface this by saying I have never been in default and I have always believed in paying back what I borrowed.
Telling my story is important because many people do not understand how the student loan business has turned into a predatory lending industry that rivals Wall Street. There are no consumer protections, and no limits. I have come out of hiding in the hopes that people will read this and start to understand why we need help. It's not just the twenty-somethings. Us forty and fifty somethings are really hurting too.
I was majoring in theater and wanted to teach, but I was advised by the college to get a "real career", so I took out more loans and added a BA in Psychology.They told me not to worry, I could pay these back. I worked three part time jobs, and moved off campus. In 1985, there was no" loan counseling", there were only appointments for loan signing.
When I took out student loans I was going through chemo for cervical cancer with no health insurance, my father's sudden death in 1985 and my family went though being very wealthy to losing everything and being left a half a million dollars in debt.Could I have switched schools? Quit school? I don't remember what I was feeling or if I read every detail of the loan; I think I was just trying to get through my grief and my chemo a minute at a time.
I went on to get my Masters in Counseling Psychology, which was paid for by my employer,Thank God. I found to my dismay, that I just couldn't make enough money on a salary of $25,000 as a counselor to make the loan payments and take care of everyday life. My cancer in 1986 left me thousands in debt. In 1991, ended up filing a chapter 13 for my medical bills. Subsequently, a woman at Wachovia Bank noted this, and accidentally put my loans in default instead of deferment.
My life became nightmare for the next seven years.This was before the everyday use of computers. I was on the phone for hours on hold, but I couldn't get anyone to talk to me. Creditors treated me like a leper. I was actually told by a well meaning person that" Your loans have been bought and sold so many times, they are probably in a shoe box in someones closet."
Finally in 1995, after getting nowhere, I contacted the US Dept.of Education. I literally sent them a shoebox full of notes about my conversations and letters I wrote trying to ask for help. They eventually tracked them down and subtracted the penalties, but not the interest, so my $25,000 turned into $45,000.
I tried to make the payments on a counselor's salary, even on an income contingent plan or any plan I could find, but it was too much money on $28,500 per year. I made payments whenever I could afford to but they never seemed to count because they were never enough to cover even the interest. My payments were more than my rent! I have deferred and been in forbearance so many times it's not even funny.
I had to declare bankruptcy again in 2000 due to lack of finances and everyday living, and ongoing medical issues with my cancerous nodules on my thyroid which prevented me from working in for 7 months in 1999. Again, deferment, hardship forbearance, more compiling interest.
I wanted to go into the NHSC (National Health Service Corps) which is a program for health professional to go into public service into rural, urban, low income areas and prisons to work for a period of time in exchange for loan forgiveness. I was a Limited License Psychologist in Michigan, but they changed their policy and you had to already have your national independent license, not just a license in your state.
I couldn't afford to stop working to get my PhD, so after 10 years of getting nowhere and the threat of default, I went back to school at age 41 in 2004 and got my MSW so I could be in the NHSC. This was not something I wanted to do, but I wanted to get my loans repayment and I already had devoted my life to public service, it seemed the logical thing to do. Another Masters would increase my loans, but I could pay it back through this program.
During this time, I was able to buy a house on an FHA loan, but was one of the victims of the refinancing scams of 2006, and although my house went into foreclosure, I was fortunate enough to sell it in a short sale through Freddie Mac.
Right after graduation I was able to secure a job in Arizona for the NHSC. I had to go out there as they make it extremely complicated to get accepted, and Michigan virtually had none of these jobs with a high enough need number to guarantee loan repayment. I had to reconsolidate my loans were now 140,000.
I sold everything and went out there, thinking that I would finally be free of this monkey on my back! It was not to be. The NHSC passed a policy that if you have any bad credit that involves federal loans, you can't serve your country and get your loans paid back.Even if you have good credit again and/or straightened the situation out!
I was and still am absolutely devastated.Because I had a foreclosure on a FHA loan even though I sold it in a short sale, they wouldn't take me! So now I had another degree and no way to pay it back!!!
There were years that I didn't pay- Even loan counselors told me it was better if I went into forbearance than make payments that couldn't even cover the interest because then I would have compounded penalties.
I have new student loans and consolidated them. Now, my loans have ballooned to 160,000. I can't afford even to make the smallest payment because I wasn't making enough on a social workers salary. The whole thing is insane.
I put off and sacrificed most things people my age have; a family, vacations, stocks, savings, investments, retirement and most of all children; because I had to to pay my loans. My friends have watched me save and scrimp and never get anywhere.
There were times I had to decide whether or not to buy food or pay my loans.Pay the heat or pay the loans. Get my medication or pay my loans. Eat rice and live in dark. They have watched me stress out and become depressed over this. I can never get good credit rates because this 160,000 shows up on my credit. They have watched me be in a career I was never sure I wanted because I had to try to pay my loans.
I just got married and have Lyme disease that damaged my neurological system and I have not been able to work full time. My medications are really expensive.
There is no way I can even attempt to try to make the full payment it's like a mortgage payment. I have had to declare bankruptcy twice (due to the start of cancer on my thyroid.) and the only way they would be forgiven is if I was completely disabled or dead. I have to take a job that is close to home due to my health and we are in rural Maryland!
I have been made to feel like dead beat. I have felt very ashamed. I feel as though I can never get ahead. It would be nice once in my life to have some nice things, or not always worrying about defaulting and having my social work license taken away, and then I can't work. I still have nightmares about this.
This July 2009 they finally passed legislation for income based payments instead of income contingent. I want nothing more than to pay my loans off, I am grateful I was able to get an education, but I cannot afford almost $1000.00 per month, and the penalties that accrue if you don't pay the full amount to even cover the interest. Even if i get a great paying job, most of the money will be go to student loans. This is a very complicated situation.
I thank God that he saw me through all of this. I also thank God that I found Cryn and her movement, "The Endentured Educated Class". I am working part time now and on the Income based program where as of now I pay $50 per month. I wish I could do more.
In closing, it is my hope that when people read this, they understand I am not asking for a free ride-only a just one. I am requesting that with the new public service forgiveness legislation, that my 23 years of public service be taken into account and allow for my forgiveness to be retroactive.
Telling my story is important because many people do not understand how the student loan business has turned into a predatory lending industry that rivals Wall Street. There are no consumer protections, and no limits. I have come out of hiding in the hopes that people will read this and start to understand why we need help. It's not just the twenty-somethings. Us forty and fifty somethings are really hurting too.
I was majoring in theater and wanted to teach, but I was advised by the college to get a "real career", so I took out more loans and added a BA in Psychology.They told me not to worry, I could pay these back. I worked three part time jobs, and moved off campus. In 1985, there was no" loan counseling", there were only appointments for loan signing.
When I took out student loans I was going through chemo for cervical cancer with no health insurance, my father's sudden death in 1985 and my family went though being very wealthy to losing everything and being left a half a million dollars in debt.Could I have switched schools? Quit school? I don't remember what I was feeling or if I read every detail of the loan; I think I was just trying to get through my grief and my chemo a minute at a time.
I went on to get my Masters in Counseling Psychology, which was paid for by my employer,Thank God. I found to my dismay, that I just couldn't make enough money on a salary of $25,000 as a counselor to make the loan payments and take care of everyday life. My cancer in 1986 left me thousands in debt. In 1991, ended up filing a chapter 13 for my medical bills. Subsequently, a woman at Wachovia Bank noted this, and accidentally put my loans in default instead of deferment.
My life became nightmare for the next seven years.This was before the everyday use of computers. I was on the phone for hours on hold, but I couldn't get anyone to talk to me. Creditors treated me like a leper. I was actually told by a well meaning person that" Your loans have been bought and sold so many times, they are probably in a shoe box in someones closet."
Finally in 1995, after getting nowhere, I contacted the US Dept.of Education. I literally sent them a shoebox full of notes about my conversations and letters I wrote trying to ask for help. They eventually tracked them down and subtracted the penalties, but not the interest, so my $25,000 turned into $45,000.
I tried to make the payments on a counselor's salary, even on an income contingent plan or any plan I could find, but it was too much money on $28,500 per year. I made payments whenever I could afford to but they never seemed to count because they were never enough to cover even the interest. My payments were more than my rent! I have deferred and been in forbearance so many times it's not even funny.
I had to declare bankruptcy again in 2000 due to lack of finances and everyday living, and ongoing medical issues with my cancerous nodules on my thyroid which prevented me from working in for 7 months in 1999. Again, deferment, hardship forbearance, more compiling interest.
I wanted to go into the NHSC (National Health Service Corps) which is a program for health professional to go into public service into rural, urban, low income areas and prisons to work for a period of time in exchange for loan forgiveness. I was a Limited License Psychologist in Michigan, but they changed their policy and you had to already have your national independent license, not just a license in your state.
I couldn't afford to stop working to get my PhD, so after 10 years of getting nowhere and the threat of default, I went back to school at age 41 in 2004 and got my MSW so I could be in the NHSC. This was not something I wanted to do, but I wanted to get my loans repayment and I already had devoted my life to public service, it seemed the logical thing to do. Another Masters would increase my loans, but I could pay it back through this program.
During this time, I was able to buy a house on an FHA loan, but was one of the victims of the refinancing scams of 2006, and although my house went into foreclosure, I was fortunate enough to sell it in a short sale through Freddie Mac.
Right after graduation I was able to secure a job in Arizona for the NHSC. I had to go out there as they make it extremely complicated to get accepted, and Michigan virtually had none of these jobs with a high enough need number to guarantee loan repayment. I had to reconsolidate my loans were now 140,000.
I sold everything and went out there, thinking that I would finally be free of this monkey on my back! It was not to be. The NHSC passed a policy that if you have any bad credit that involves federal loans, you can't serve your country and get your loans paid back.Even if you have good credit again and/or straightened the situation out!
I was and still am absolutely devastated.Because I had a foreclosure on a FHA loan even though I sold it in a short sale, they wouldn't take me! So now I had another degree and no way to pay it back!!!
There were years that I didn't pay- Even loan counselors told me it was better if I went into forbearance than make payments that couldn't even cover the interest because then I would have compounded penalties.
I have new student loans and consolidated them. Now, my loans have ballooned to 160,000. I can't afford even to make the smallest payment because I wasn't making enough on a social workers salary. The whole thing is insane.
I put off and sacrificed most things people my age have; a family, vacations, stocks, savings, investments, retirement and most of all children; because I had to to pay my loans. My friends have watched me save and scrimp and never get anywhere.
There were times I had to decide whether or not to buy food or pay my loans.Pay the heat or pay the loans. Get my medication or pay my loans. Eat rice and live in dark. They have watched me stress out and become depressed over this. I can never get good credit rates because this 160,000 shows up on my credit. They have watched me be in a career I was never sure I wanted because I had to try to pay my loans.
I just got married and have Lyme disease that damaged my neurological system and I have not been able to work full time. My medications are really expensive.
There is no way I can even attempt to try to make the full payment it's like a mortgage payment. I have had to declare bankruptcy twice (due to the start of cancer on my thyroid.) and the only way they would be forgiven is if I was completely disabled or dead. I have to take a job that is close to home due to my health and we are in rural Maryland!
I have been made to feel like dead beat. I have felt very ashamed. I feel as though I can never get ahead. It would be nice once in my life to have some nice things, or not always worrying about defaulting and having my social work license taken away, and then I can't work. I still have nightmares about this.
This July 2009 they finally passed legislation for income based payments instead of income contingent. I want nothing more than to pay my loans off, I am grateful I was able to get an education, but I cannot afford almost $1000.00 per month, and the penalties that accrue if you don't pay the full amount to even cover the interest. Even if i get a great paying job, most of the money will be go to student loans. This is a very complicated situation.
I thank God that he saw me through all of this. I also thank God that I found Cryn and her movement, "The Endentured Educated Class". I am working part time now and on the Income based program where as of now I pay $50 per month. I wish I could do more.
In closing, it is my hope that when people read this, they understand I am not asking for a free ride-only a just one. I am requesting that with the new public service forgiveness legislation, that my 23 years of public service be taken into account and allow for my forgiveness to be retroactive.
Friday, January 28, 2011
The Birth
They say the best place to start is at the beginning so that's where I'll be starting. I was born under exciting circumstances, so it's fitting that my life would continue that way until my karma was done. Yes, I believe in Karma. And God. A mix of both I'd say with a sprinkle of religion. I was born when my mother was 40 and they urged her to abort,as this was in 1963 when having babies was unheard of and there was no way to tell if the baby would have birth defects. My mother refused and said I was a "welcome accident" coming thirteen years later after my brother and sister. My father was 45 and grunted an "OK". He grunted a lot. I was a month late which must have provoked so much anxiety in my mother that I was an hour early for everything after that and became a time Nazi in my professional life.
Anyway, my mother's water broke and she most likely said very politely and elegantly as she would, "Karel, it's time." They sped down the Northwest Freeway off to South Beaumont Hospital, as we lived in West Bloomfield Township, Michigan. As they crossed under an overpass, two teens tossed a large rock off the pass which smashed the windshield of my father's auto. Luckily, there was a policeman who saw this and waved my father off the side of the freeway. He got them in the cruiser and raced off to the hospital. I was born in all my glory, blue faced with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck five times, (this explains a lot.)My mother added proudly that I had a full head of hair, she was big in to looks so that's all she saw. They slapped my butt and shot me, screaming into reality and then paraded me around the hospital proudly so that everyone could see the baby that almost died with all that dark, silky hair. I was named "Helena Louise" after my fathers half sister Helena and some dead woman my mother knew; although I think this was out of desperation as a deterrent to Olga, my father's other half sister.Leni came from Helena and actually means "beauty" in Czech. Although I looked this up and it mean "Torch" in Greek. And so I was born and so it shall be.
Anyway, my mother's water broke and she most likely said very politely and elegantly as she would, "Karel, it's time." They sped down the Northwest Freeway off to South Beaumont Hospital, as we lived in West Bloomfield Township, Michigan. As they crossed under an overpass, two teens tossed a large rock off the pass which smashed the windshield of my father's auto. Luckily, there was a policeman who saw this and waved my father off the side of the freeway. He got them in the cruiser and raced off to the hospital. I was born in all my glory, blue faced with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck five times, (this explains a lot.)My mother added proudly that I had a full head of hair, she was big in to looks so that's all she saw. They slapped my butt and shot me, screaming into reality and then paraded me around the hospital proudly so that everyone could see the baby that almost died with all that dark, silky hair. I was named "Helena Louise" after my fathers half sister Helena and some dead woman my mother knew; although I think this was out of desperation as a deterrent to Olga, my father's other half sister.Leni came from Helena and actually means "beauty" in Czech. Although I looked this up and it mean "Torch" in Greek. And so I was born and so it shall be.
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